why i smile

There are things in my life right now undergoing such silent but overwhelming changes. If I talk about them, I'll only take away their magic. I don't want that to happen. Let's just say they have given me a new life. A new way of looking at and coping with things. A new chance to evaluate myself and to understand why things around us are not what we think it seem.

It begins with a twinkling, and ends with quiet amusement. Thank you so much for coming into my life just at the right time, when I am at a lost for purpose and meaning. Your gift of friendship will always be treasured. And if you’re reading this, yes it’s you. Mahilig talaga ako sa drama ano? Di naman, slight lang, hehe.

mind over heart

You sent me this sms last night. I don’t know what you meant by this and I’ve never bothered to ask afraid to hear what you has to say:

“Never let go of anyone that you couldn’t go a day without thinking about. There just might be a very good reason why this person is always on your mind. Sometimes, it’s the brain that knows too well what the heart tries so hard to deny.”

It doesn’t make sense to me at all but I perfectly got the real meaning of the message I got scared. Confusing, isn’t it? It’s because the heart does not deny and doesn’t know how to. It does not reason and has no logic thus how it could refuse such an overwhelming feeling. On the other hand, the mind rationalizes. The mind can’t help but to automatically tell you it isn’t right and or there’s nothing wrong with it. The mind gives reason and provides the perfect logic. It is the one who tells the heart to deny what is not right and what shouldn’t be.

If a person is always on one’s mind then what could it be? I know you cannot control it and no one can. Well I guess, one just learns to succumb to it, to grow into it like beautiful second skin. It hits you right between the eyes like great poetry, and shields you from all else. Soon you learn to take it as the very air you breathe -- and without it, you are nothing but a shadow of your old and silly make-believe that you are all right alone. No one's all right alone. We live to return home to the comfort of someone else's embraces even if its just inside your silly mind.

But it still doesn’t make sense to me. And it will remain that way until and unless I will be able to put a name on it.

taxi

i don't need to be stressed right now but taxi drivers who can't follow directions from their passengers are clearly unnerving. kunwari mag-ask pa ng directions but of course he already had everything figured out at the moment you sat in the car and gave your destination. i must admit though that taxi drivers may know more about faster and less traffic routes. pero minsan gusto mo lang bilang isang pasahero na yung direksyon mong patutunguhan ng taxi driver ay masusunod. pauwi ng bahay, klaro naman ang instructions ko na magAyala-makati fire station-shopwise papuntang inquirer pasong tamo, pero idinaan niya ako sa makati avenue-buendia papuntang extension. kahit lumabas na mas maikli at masmabilis ang ruta ng taxi driver, iba pa din ang pakiramdam na sinunod ang rutang gusto mo. it's less stressful that you can stand by your choice. more than that, you feel the sense of empowerment as a passenger with control. hay, relax cath. maintain your calm. grrrrrr talaga.

random thoughts

because i am still bored...part 2 =)

what makes your problem bigger than everybody else?
i think i am self-obsessed and a bit neurotic. i seem not to have gotten over that phase of childhood when one thinks that the world revolves around him/her. i whine just about everything and i enjoy doing it every chance i get. i complain that people take life so seriously, yet i also get uneasy when people are excessively happy. most of the time, i complain about my personal inconveniences: the lack of food choices in restaurants, the inconsiderate bosses and officemates, the non-existence of my social life, etc. at one point, perhaps irritated by my constant whining, a good friend commented that my worries in life are pea-sized compared to the problems of other people. so if someone asks me what makes my problems bigger than everybody else, i would probably snap and say "They're mine."

sometimes the things that you regret the most are the things that you don't do.
nothing can be truer than this. there had been nights when i wondered how my life would have turned out if i had made different choices. the what ifs in life are more tormenting because you know that you just can't turn back time.

if you think back and replay your year and if it doesn't bring you tears, either joy or sadness, consider your year wasted.
ever since high school, i've somehow maintained a journal. re-reading my entries has been my year ender and i am happy to note that my entries never fail to give my tear ducts a good tuning every now and then.

loving means learning how to compromise.
i have learned that if one needs to be self-less, one has to be truly in love. sadly, i have not met that person whose demands, needs, and wants i am willing to take. but i am hopeful that one day, i will.

we all want love to come along yet we apply all restrictions as to how it should come along.
this is classic ME. i never grow tired asking from our Father for a little excitement in my life, but when a potential candidate comes along, i never run out reasons not to date the person. could it be that i am incapable of being happy? that i am addicted to drama?

i need to know that love still works. even if i am alone, i need to know that when i go to bed at night.
despite the non-existence of my love life, i still continue to be hopeful, after all, hope is what gets me (and most people) going.

because i am bored

happiness for me is:

• buying a bag of cadbury chocolate with almonds and letting every piece of chocolate melt in my mouth. there's only one description for it--orgasmic (and promise, i don't even completely understand what the word means).
• drinking hot cappuccino or hot chocolate at the coffee bean and tea leaf. coffee will always be the ultimate drink for me. the effect of the bitter hot liquid is so soothing it wipes away all my worries and stress.
• listening to rey valera and ric segreto late at night. “say that you love me” and “pangako” will always remain my forever favorites. people say that music is soul food, and bless these wonderful singers, they made me "soulfully" obese.
• having a foot spa (newly discovered). i swear, it's very uplifting when you have your calluses removed. some may consider it whimsical, but come to think of it: you're on your toes almost all the time. you stand to go to places, you dance to flirt with other people, you kick people when you're angry and if you're the non-violent type, restraining yourself from kicking is a double effort on your feet's part. i guess, of all the body parts that need pampering, it is the feet that deserve it the most.
• eating pasta at the kitchen. never mind that their service charge and other charges can be someone else's meal budget; an occasional trip to the pasta house wouldn't leave you bankrupt. well, if it does, you can always pass by the store, look at their newly painted walls, smile, and say, "i've contributed to that." my friend once said that it's pointless to eat in expensive places because at the end of the day, you know where what you paid for would go. i beg to differ.
• talking to friends. the joy of eating out is not the food, but the company you're with. okay, okay. the food counts too, but i don't think you'd enjoy eating, even with the best food on the table, if you're with somebody you loathe. it's just an invitation for indigestion.

loneliness

Makasapot jud kaayo. I do not know why I feel sad and gloomy! Stop it okay! Focus on the pleasant and beautiful things around you. Concentrate on your tasks for the day, wala ka pang natatapos and andami mo pang dapat gagawin.

Hay, ambot ngano ing-ani ko. Naglagot na jud ko. Stop being immature and face your loneliness head-on.

How do you make yourself not miss a person? What if you really can’t help it? And now, you badly want to pick that phone and call him para mahuman na tanan, but you know mali! Sayop! Nabuang naman jud tingali ko.

a mystery

Something is happening. I do not know what is it but I can feel it and I just can’t ignore it. It has no name and I cannot put a name on it. Not yet. I just woke up one morning and its already there, looming above me like a terrifying monster -- and I can feel that it's about to swallow me whole. And I am indeed scared but happy. Oh yes, I am also in an unbelievable euphoric state. Heaven help me I am going nuts.

I know… I should not make an issue out of this. It is nothing. And you know very well it ain’t right. For goodness sakes he is off-limits. You might be foolish in a lot of things but you are not stupid.

Cheer up Cath! Just be glad its really not so serious.

an update

And finally, I’m back! Its been ages since the last time I was able to post something. Sobrang naging busy eh. Blame it to being an auditor and the audit life. Unbelievably busy to the point na for weeks and weeks, day in - day out nasa office ka lang kasi naghahabol ng deadline. And even during the observance of the holy week, we were at the office, faithfully finalizing all our financial statements in time for the tax filing deadline.

Oh well, its over. The trying and difficult but fulfilling busy season 2007 has finally come to an end and I have survive it! Yipeeeeee! I cant wait to take a summer vacation! Ate Cha, count me in to that Kalinga White Water Rafting Adventure! Hehehe

still with my precious eyebugs right after a 24-hour straight sleep after a 72-hour straight of being a zombie

with jamee and miss botbot, the day after we all had our 24-hours straight of sleep

kelangan ko post pic na 'to kasi request from Daddy Garry, cute raw kasi sya dito kahit di pa naliligo and wala pang sleep. eto na po =)